(no subject)

[slybrunette]

Title: I Just Want You To Know Who I Am
Fandom: Lost
Characters/Pairings: Kate, Jack.
Word Count: 601
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: Tabula Rasa through House Of The Rising Sun
Prompt: Day 6: An uncharacteristic urge to confide for  lostsquee  (late).
Summary: Kate has spent the bulk of her life lying.

She doesn’t understand it.

 

Kate has spent the bulk of her life lying. First about little things, so she didn’t get in trouble. About doing homework. About where exactly her and Tom had wandered off to. Then it was the big things. Like blowing up Wayne. Like the reasons why she did what she did.

 

She’s always had trust issues, all the way back to when she was five and Sam, her father (because that’s who he is to her; blood ties be damned), up and left her. She was too young to understand the whys. She might still be. All she knew was he was gone, and there was her mother with this man who beat her, and Kate didn’t – doesn’t – understand how you can stay with someone like that. She didn’t understand why her mother didn’t just up and leave.

 

Then again, Kate’s come to realize that she and her mother are two very different people, in just about every way possible.

 

Sometimes she wishes that she made more of an effort to get to know her mother. Maybe then she would understand. Maybe then she could have a reason, a real reason, why she stayed with Wayne, why she turned Kate in. Her mother always called it love. It’s one of the reasons Kate refuses to let herself love, to be loved. It makes you do stupid things. It’s not worth it. Not if it turns out like that.

 

If she’d gotten to know her mother then maybe her mother would’ve gotten to know her.

 

Maybe then they would’ve understood each other.

 

Maybe their possibly last goodbye wouldn’t have ended in her mother yelling for help as Kate fled down the hospital corridor.

 

No one understands Kate, because she’s never really bothered to let anybody in. She’d been too young, or she hadn’t felt comfortable with it, hadn’t felt a sense of trust. She hadn’t felt safe.

 

She sits by the shore, on this island, this island that has shown itself as dangerous, as the anti-paradise, and with Jack next to her she realizes she hasn’t felt this safe since Tom.

 

The words roll off her lips like the waves that roll into the shore, “I want to tell you what I did – why he was after me.”

 

This is it.

 

If it were television she’s fairly sure this is where the dramatic music comes in, something deep and instrumental. Here it’s the sound of the sea, the chatter of the survivors further up the beach.

 

She waits for a reaction, waits for a nod, her own cue to go on.

 

She doesn’t get it.

 

“I don’t want to know.”

 

There were a lot of ways she could’ve seen this conversation going. That wasn’t one of them.

 

“It doesn’t matter, Kate, who we were – what we did before this, before the crash. It doesn’t really –“ he pauses, finding words, the right words. Perfection. “Three days ago we all died. We should all be able to start over.”

 

It’s the opportunity she’s wanted all her life. Until now. You can’t start over until you’ve let go of the past. She’s still holding on to every last detail.

 

But she nods, tells him “okay”, because she’s over thinking it now. Thinking maybe it’s better that he doesn’t know.

 

And they’re fine. For now.

 

Days later and he’s asking what made her this way. Now he wants to hear it. Now he wants to understand. On his terms.

 

She can’t do that.

 

“You had your chance to know.”

 

He really did.

 

He’ll never know how good he almost had it. 

Comments

[do-not-confess.livejournal.com]

Wooo! Shiny new fic!

I love the grasp you have on Kate's character here, how she's doing everything her way and is quite ruthless about it and even if it comes to something as big as telling the truth, it has to happen on her terms.

He’ll never know how good he almost had it.

This is the heart of Jack/Kate and why they haven't worked it out so far. Jack doesn't know when he's close to having her and she can't possibly tell him.

Jack doesn't get it of course. It's lovely to have Kate realize what an enigma she is to people and how she's still not able to break free of it.

I liked this a lot.

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

It's new. Not sure about how shiny it is.

You know the two of them are never in the right place emotionally at the same time, and I was trying to work with that. I've always wanted to try.

I'm glad you liked it! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

[lenina20.livejournal.com]

I liked this!!! I especially liked the twist at the ending, the telling of what happens later. It makes it more heartbreaking. They have this desire to trust and they let it go. Then it's too late. Very very sad. The writing is lovely.

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

You have a Jate icon? That surprises me. And then kind of not.

I love the contrast between those two episodes -- so much happens between them, and yet I'm not sure what happened in her head. So this was my attempt.

I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading!

[lenina20.livejournal.com]

I do have a Jate icon, even though I have to confess that I took it to use it as a kind of morbid irony for my Sawyer/Juliet fic. Ha. But hey, I'm even writing Jate these days...

This fic of your was really very nice.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_noa/]

This is great!! The "Three days ago..." quote is my one of my favourites and I've always kind of wondered what Jack and Kate were thinking during that scene. You filled in the blanks for me :)

Also - "If it were television she’s fairly sure this is where the dramatic music comes in, something deep and instrumental."

Hehe! Loved that line :D

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

I love that scene as well, and after reading some fics coming out of this challenge I got inspired to write something off of an actual scene from the show. Particularly this.

As for that line, I like taking shots at tv, and the way they overdramatize things. And I can't see Kate being big on tv.

I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading!

[bebitched.livejournal.com]

Now that I think about it she was kinda being uncharacteristically generous with that truth thing. Maybe she really needed to tell someone and get it off her chest. Great fic!

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

As much as I love that scene I don't understand how it fits in with her character. So you know me, I make myself understand.

I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading!

[raisingirl99.livejournal.com]

Very interesting! I liked the look at Kate's lies and especially at the complicated relationship between Kate and her mother.

She sits by the shore, on this island, this island that has shown itself as dangerous, as the anti-paradise, and with Jack next to her she realizes she hasn’t felt this safe since Tom.

I liked that contrast, and I have to admit that it made the Jater in me happy, too.

_noa already quoted my favorite line, though. ;)

Loved the last line, too. As is usually the case with your fics -- you have great ending lines. :) Anyway, it makes me sad, but it's such a perfect ending to this fic.

(Also, I've been listening to "Iris" a lot over the past week... not sure if that's the source of the title or not, though.)

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

Tom and Jack are very alike to me. I know [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] has drawn similiar conclusions on that, and she always gets me thinking.

That last line was in my head all night last night. I thought of it right before falling asleep and couldn't remember it when I got up. Thank goodness something triggered it when I sat down to write.

(It is the source. As of late, all my titles are song lyrics. And that one is so...Jate)

I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading!

[aboutbunnies.livejournal.com]

A great insight into Kate! I love how you've not only gone into the nuances of her relationship with Jack here, but also her relationship with Diane. I've never understood why she all of a sudden wanted Jack to know what she'd done, but it's always bugged me to no end how he just dismisses it like he doesn't care anymore. Great expansion on those scenes.

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I don't really understand it either. I think they're just never in the same place emotionally. Which is rather unfortunate.

I'm glad you liked this!

(Also, I know I keep missing your fics since I haven't looked at the comm part of my flist in forever, I was wondering if you would mind me friending you?)

[aboutbunnies.livejournal.com]

You're right, they just miss each other emotionally every time. I'm not sure that's something they'll ever be able to reconcile (but I am aware I'm fairly biased, not being a Kate/Jack fan). They're just so different.

I don't mind at all - I'd be honored! I actually keep meaning to ask you the same thing. I so enjoy your writing.

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

I know, there are problems there. I believe they will, but I'm also very biased.

Shiny! Friending you then :)

[inluv4evr.livejournal.com]

Loved it! You nailed Kate's character right on the head; it made perfect sense and sounds like something that could happen. The little twist at the end... ahh! Again, right on target. Jack and Kate are never on the same wavelength, it seems, and that line just sums it up.

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

They never are, and it makes me sad because if they were they would be so right for each other.

I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading!

[elise-509.livejournal.com]

I love this so much it hurts. You perfectly captured that moment when Kate so wants to tell him and is ready to be an open book - yet Jack doesn't yet understand how rare this opportunity is, how he'll never get another chance. He thinks he's giving her a blank slate and being understanding, not pressuring her to tell him things she doesn't want to, not realizing that her telling him was the only way that maybe she really could've had a blank slate. She needed to get it out.

Instead, the things unspoken and kept hidden between them only build walls, because Kate can't let it go and Jack can't get any firm footing on understanding her. It's so perfectly Jack and Kate, always being at cross-purposes and communication failing. It makes you wonder how different life things would've been between them if Kate had told him. Things would've been a lot better, I think.

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

It would've been much different if she had. I don't think there would be such a loss of trust between them if she had been honest from the start, if he had taken advantage of the opportunity.

It's really too bad that this didn't occur later in the show, after he knew her better, maybe then he would've let her tell him.

I'm glad you liked this hun! Thanks for reading!

[alemyrddin.livejournal.com]

You know, I love Jack. But he has a gift for telling the wrong thing at the wrong moment. As I was watching that episode for the first time, I thought", NO! You should listen to her". Then, the "tabula rasa" speech, and I was ok. And then, a few days after, he wants to know? Well, Jack, I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way with people. Chances like that happen only once in a while.

I loved this, how you wrote that scene from Kate's POV and how the miscommunications and misunderstandings played such an important part in their life and relationship on the island.

Great fic. Sorry for the long rambling but, as you can see, it made me think. :)

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

It's not rambling. It's sensical babbling. That's different. And it's a good sign because I like making people think.

When that scene we happened we just didn't know Kate enough that we could look at her backstory, what we know about her, and say and she did this for this reason and this reason. Same with Jack. And I really wanted to revist that here.

I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

[gottalovev.livejournal.com]

great view of those moments, what motivates that girl to do (or not do) the things she does. I swear I'd need a manual sometimes.

I really liked this

Maybe then she would understand. Maybe then she could have a reason, a real reason, why she stayed with Wayne, why she turned Kate in. Her mother always called it love. It’s one of the reasons Kate refuses to let herself love, to be loved. It makes you do stupid things. It’s not worth it. Not if it turns out like that.

I see her being very weary of love from a very early age. could explain why she never really lets go. this sums it really well!

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

Kate is so beyond complicated. She does need to come with an instruction manual, I agree.

I'm really glad you liked this! Thanks for reading!

[bachlava.livejournal.com]

Dang it, how do you do this? How do you always make me convinced that you're writing the "real" canon, not what's on the actual show? How have you managed to make me actually like this bit of Jack/Kate interaction after having seen it forced into so many nauseating 'shipper and obstreperous Jack- or Kate-fangirling contexts that the mere thought of it normally makes my eyes bleed? I think the universe has a right to know.

(Or, in other words: I really, really, really liked this.;)

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

Because I am not a fangirly shipper. I will occassionally fangirl over the actors/characters. Not ships. Not really. It's just not...realistic. I like things that are true to the characters -- not true to a certain ship. And I think people have forced this out of context at this point. But if you tell any of my Jater friends I said that I shall have to have you killed ;)

In other words, I'm really, really, really glad you liked this!